An Ode to Newly Retired Husbands

Peter Evans

(With apologies to W.S. Gilbert)

Rising early in the morning

We proceed to play our part

And our drowsy selves adorning

With an oh, so happy heart

We embark without delay

On the duties of the day.

First we ask her, quite politely,

If we understood her rightly

To have said she’d like her breakfast up in bed.

Then we fry the egg and bacon

And she knows she’s not forsaken

When we serve them, with the paper to be read.

Then we normally review the household tasks,

And get ready to do everything she asks

Or get details of our duties on a list

And be told about some others that we’ve missed.

In response to Wifie’s wishes

We go out and wash the dishes

Which she gathers through the week

For us to polish up like new

And we get the satisfaction

From her positive reaction

That we’re learning very quickly what it is we have to do.

Oh! Philosophers may sing

Of the bondage of the ring

But the duties are delightful

And it’s such a healthy life

And the privilege and pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is to run on little errands

For our ever loving wife.

Later on with cravings inner

We proceed to get the dinner

And we polish all the silver

And the copper and the brass

Spend an anxious hour of worry

‘Cos the meal won’t seem to hurry

And we serve the little lady

With some sherry in a glass

She relieves us if she’s able

Just in time to lay the table

And we sup and serve the coffee

And at half past nine or ten

With a pleasure that’s emphatic

We retire to our attic

With the knowledge that tomorrow

We will do the same again.

Oh1 Pessimists may slate

Every man who takes a mate

Yet the duties are delightful

And of worries there are none

And the culminating pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is the satisfying feeling

That our duty has been done.

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